“Because [marriage is] a relationship between two people and there's always two sides of the story and you come from different backgrounds, yes, we have to make compromises but sometimes there are some compromises we cannot make because they go against our beliefs. And if we diminish that, if we stay quiet, then a year later we realize we're not gonna recognize who we are anymore.” - Irina Shehovsov
Beliefs is where it all begins. What are the beliefs that we tell ourselves? What are the stories?
Belief is a state of mind, or a habit in which we trust or confidence we place in something personal. Where do they come from? Between ages zero and seven, we have them installed, they are given by our caregivers, educators, and society, by people in our life, who surround us. We take everything as is because we don't have any critical faculty to decide whether something is good or bad. And the next seven years of our life between 7 and 14 we get to live out all those beliefs that we have learned. If you take an observer approach and examine your life, you may notice certain patterns of behavior that are repeating in your life over and over for which you find no explanation as you seem to be doing everything right.
Oftentimes it's your subconscious mind who is running the show. And you with your conscious mind are not going to understand what's happening. Here is an example of subconscious mind being at work. Driving. When you drive to work, how often do you find yourself daydreaming or thinking about life and not actively paying attention? You remember getting into a car at home and then awhile later you are at work but have no recollection of how you got there. Through repetition, by performing the action of driving so many times, you have learned everything so well that you just do it without thinking. You have also trained your body and mind to do a great job of getting you safely from point A to point B.
So, the beliefs that you have installed from your parents and caregivers, and the experiences that you have in life, might cause you to form further beliefs. So, what are some of the implications of negative beliefs and when we're coming out of a long-term relationship, what I hear people say is I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy to be with. THIS IS NOT TRUE. But because you feel now separated from your long-term partner, you feel this loneliness.
You feel this emptiness and you might adopt the belief that you are not worth enough to be with, which is nothing further from the truth. You need to step out of that frame. And I know it's very difficult when the relationship is just over. It's very difficult to step out with and look at the situation, observe yourself. Because sometimes what happens when we are in the heat of our emotions, we make rash decisions, without any reflection. So, it's important to separate ourselves from our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And try to observe them. Try to observe them just for a little bit. And see where those things are causing you pain or discomfort or any displeasure and release those emotions. Maybe journal it, write it down. What are those thoughts and feelings that are coming up? What is happening?
Oftentimes, after coming out of a breakup, negative beliefs can flood your mind. They can make you feel unworthy, they can make you feel broken. And it's important to let those beliefs go. Because what happens in the long term when we continue to have those negative beliefs about ourselves, they can manifest in our physical body, they can manifest as a disease, so it's important to address them.
It also is important to notice how you speak to yourself. What kind of words do you use? Are you speaking to yourself as if you are your own best friend, or your own worst enemy? How are you treating yourself? Because the most important relationship in your life is the relationship to self. We come into this world by ourselves, and we leave this world by ourselves. So, the relationship that we need to work on first and foremost is the relationship to self.
It's self-care, its self-confidence and self-esteem. When those things are in order. When those things are addressed, then you can attract a better person for yourself, a love of your life, a lifetime partner.
And to tie it back together, beliefs are important. Beliefs that we have for ourselves, about the life and the story that we tell ourselves. Because the story that you tell yourself is the life you are living. So, if you're always complaining about sickness, brokenness, everything being bad, guess what kind of life you're gonna have, you will have more of those things in your life because you sending a signal to your mind that this is important. This is very important. Our mind takes everything literally and personally. It does not process negatives, everything is absolute. So, when you say I don't want to be poor, you will be because the “don't”, our mind does not hear. So be very mindful of the language that you use; the story that you tell yourself, or others, because your mind is always listening, it's always in the back there and checking you out. What are you telling? What are you concentrating on? Is this important? Because for your mind, it's important. It's like you giving your mind the task, concentrate on those things. And then you will see magically appear in your life those things that you fear. What you said was important to you? More and more and more you will see that.
So, make it a point in your life. To Be mindful how you use your language, what words do you use? How is your day to day. It's those small things that are insignificant and inconsequential, that make up your life.